Friend or Foe?

Right - let me make this quite clear. I am all for any country keeping out nasty foreigners with questionable hygiene who refuse both to integrate and to work. However, when it comes to ME, I tend to reach for the deodorant and get rather righteous and irritable.

Yes - it was time for us to renew our visas.

The whole procedure is a process of documentary obstacles, with only the most tenacious applicants being awarded the Big Prize ("Yes, another 2 years of 6 foot snow can be yours for the low, low price of your sanity!").

The first step is to apply using the visa application system on-line. Except it was written and completed by a really distracted 15 year-old who was taking his GSCE in Computing Science a year early, and forgot about the testing module. The initial screen informs you (rather optimistically) that the process may take 25 minutes to complete. It took me fours hours. For each application. A little like an original BBC text-based adventure game ("Hit troll", "What troll?" etc), it would either intermittently throw you out of the system as you had not touched the key-board for 3 seconds (this was timed, by me, sobbing very very quietly, so that the pixies couldn't hear), or, on using the drop-down list-boxes, would redirect you out to a completely random screen on the Homeland Security web-site. "Oh , yes," said one of the Brits, "It's been like that for about 12 months. When it happened to us we told our company they would have to do it for us". Unfortunately, I did not have that sort of privilege, so had to plough on. Finally, I was in the position to scan in the photos and print out all the forms we needed.

Then came the Book Your Interview challenge.

The interview could be done within the USA (but only 10% of visa renewals are awarded this way), or go out of the country (but not Mexico, as that can take upto (or at least) a month).

However, this is further limited to the fact that an interview could only be booked through the internet, and only within the next 6 weeks. At eleven o'clock at night.

Eventually, we got an interview in Halifax (the "I Love Halifax" blog will be written when I've stopped the valium).

Off we went, in our posh togs, just in case.

As it was being renovated, we had to sit on the floor in the corridor outside of the consulate. Now and then a disembodied voice would direct us to move along the line, go to the back, come to the front, present a form, wait at the coffee shop downstairs. On entering, we were then told that the hand-bag had to be taken to another building two blocks away and checked into a hotel locker; that the bottle of water had to be left at the desk (in spite of us having to wait for 3 hours); and that "Your daughter cannot bring her MP3 player in.You may not believe this - but once we had someone in and it took down all the computers and printers".

No, actually, I don't believe it - because that was the plot of a FILM!!!

And all the time, you have to be hyper-aware of your facial expression as each sneer and upwards glance will be punished by being thoroughly pushed to the back of the queue again.

We presented the papers - our forms, passports and the company 3inch petition, and were then told that the print-outs I had done at home were not a high-enough quality for the machine to read in the bar-code (even though I have seen the girl on the till actually type in the number BY HAND for the milk I buy each week - so if our local Target can do it....).

But, no - we had to go back to the hotel, and hope that its antiquated broad-band connection (powered by weevils) would be fast enough for us to log on to the website (after firstly trying to remember the URL, and then the password (mother's grand-mother's maiden name, apparently. It didn't help that I, of course, had to make one up, and couldn't remember if it was Phyllis or Kevin). So, clutching the reprinted forms, we then ran back to the Consulate - just before the security guard locked up and took in the flag). Yes, everything's now OK, but, um, we can't possibly say when the visas will be printed. Because they are printed from Washington, you see. And we have no control over it. Come back tomorrow. And no, you can't have the phone number, you must just come round.

So we did. Twice, by which time it was Saturday, and we had to wait until the following Monday - 24 hours before we were due to fly out.

With much trepidation, we again approached the Consulate door, and whispered the magic words in tremulous voices. The door opened a crack, and the passports were slid out.  L. Frank Baum obviously based his famous story on something very similar.

It's the pits.

They have started building next-door. It was a lovely copse of silver-birch, but now looks like a battered corpse (ooh, did you see what I did there?). It took one man a day-and-a-half to cut down all the trees and turn them into wood-chip. The heavy plant moved in the next day and has started digging out the basement. I am a little concerned as it looks ENORMOUS. I am going to guess it is 6-bedrooms, based on my extensive architectural knowledge (ie several episodes of Grand Designs. I will take to standing next to the plot and sighing into the middle-distance "I can't help thinking that..."). Almost had a falling out with the owner who decided to check up on progress by popping round at six o'clock on Saturday morning, standing on what will ultimately be our shared drive and telling his wife authoritatively (loudly) "And that is where the toilet will be". Naturally, I didn't say anything, being both English and in Minnesota, so just tutted and closed the window IN A FORCEFUL MANNER. That'll show 'im.

We have had to cave in to social mores and purchase our first net-curtains. It will give us something to twitch.

Interestingly they were not allowed to start earlier, as there is a city rule that heavy plant must be kept off the roads for a certain time after the last snows melt. Damn' - said the S word, and I'd promised myself I wouldn't.

I don't normally watch Reality TV, as it is a bit of a Voyeuristic Indulgence - particularly the program the other day about hoarders. Ten minutes into it, I decided to do out the garage, and then moved onto the guest-room. I even dropped the nine garbage bags, two chairs and a blanket off at the thrift store, it moved me so much.

Bean has made her first kill. We're very proud, but it's the person in charge of kitty litter (ie me) who has to dispose of the mangled remains.

We went to play crazy golf last weekend. It is an amazing place. The guy makes random pieces of sculpture and each year seems to add another hole (he is up to 13). It's wonderfully eccentric.

Just. Too. Hot.

Forty degrees today. I know. I'm never satisfied. T's ice-skating started up again this evening, and most of the town had turned up to watch, it seemed, sitting on the frigid bleachers in shorts and vests. Her classroom was so warm at school, that they had to have lessons in the cafeteria. Alas, like in Australian schools, there seems to be very little air-conditioning for what, when it's not minus forty, is plus.

I overheard this at the ice-rink: Child reading Malory Towers: "Mommy, what's a 'blazer'?". Mommy: "It's a kinda snow-mobile, honey".

I've been doing more running. One of my favourite tracks is to run along the railway-line, which is a common evening walk for a lot of people around here (the rails have a utility vehicle track along side, so are quite wide). The consensus is that it is 'most likely illegal', but the drivers wave to you, and the police just drive on by. For a state which seems to have quite a loose definition of 'gun-control', they probably think "Well, if you're daft enough to be walking along a track when a 120-carriage freight train is rolling-along, is there really anything we can do or say to help you?". And, yes, they are really 120 carriages long - this means (quick mental calculation) with each one 20m long, it can sometimes straddle several railway crossings at once; effectively cutting one side of the town from the other. I tried to run along side of one the other day as it was waiting for its green-light, but gave up and ate chocolate instead.

I have a problem, otherwise, on where to run. Memorial Day was last week (white heels - hurrah!), which means that everyone (else) has opened up their cabins, and cracked open the Glad-Wrap on their boats. As the roads here can be quite narrow, the boat-trailers quite wide and the road-kill plentiful, it means there's sometimes very little space for me (pavements are non-existent....everywhere requires a car, and today I treated myself both to the drive-through chemists, and the drive-through post-box).

And I'm not able to run cross-country at the moment because of the ticks. The ones you can see are OK...it's the ones the size of poppy-seeds which are the ones to scream hysterically at.

I took an executive decision last week (i..e spent a Lancashire man's money without asking him first), and bought some furniture for the 3-season porch. In the last house we were always being nibbled at by the voracious mosquitoes, but here, luckily, there is a balcony enclosed with screens - pretty handy on a swamp. It also has a ceiling fan and speakers for piped music, if only we could be bothered with trying to figure out how it works. Once or twice we have found ourselves sitted in there, Conversing.

Bridgjo had a good day's kayaking on the river, which is very high, due, of course, to the snow. He took T out on the lake, but she sat in the back, with her friend in front, and let her do all the work. Chip off the old block.

This is why I hate computers....

Intermittently I earn my keep by ploughing through all the piles of paper on my desk: pay the lawn chap, sort out turning on the reticulation, downloading claim forms for medical bills, organizing T's hectic social life and changing my address on my UK Bank account.

This last one is held at a Well Known British Banking Institution, and necessitates you typing into the phone key-pad card numbers, date of birth, security codes, best-friend's dog's icense number before you can even speak to an operator - who then REALLY grills you. Now my English bank account is there purely as Running Away Money (or, Dash Cash), which, admittedly isn't going to get me very far at the moment as it only contains $2.52. But it's there should my US cards ever get zapped, or I need an extra couple of bob to tide me over to the next Rapture. So I find it a bit annoying when I have to try and remember the exact last time I bought something ("Umm, Jackie magazine in 1986?"), or the number of direct debits, passwords for on-line banking which I never use, etc.

So, this was going to be an easy one.

I wanted to change my address.

So I call the UK, get through all of the above dialog and the lady says to me, "Ah, I see you do not have the necessary security layer set up," (there's more?), "So I will need to send you a form. To your new address. Could you spell it out for me please?".

And this is why I hate computers.

Drive-Thru Life

We went to Colorado last month for a weekend. I was extremely impressed by the drive-through cigarette shop, although the drive-through post-boxes here take some beating. Bridgjo found an original share certificate for the Isabella Gold-Mine, which was accepted as The Official Souvenir (in Disney, it was a plastic snow-globe of the Little Mermaid, so I am happy that T's tastes are improving). It was bitterly cold, and I was a bit grumpy that I had forgotten to bring my ski-jacket. On the Sunday I went out wearing every single item of clothing in my possession, including several pairs of knickers, one of which doubled-up as ear-warmers.

We'll be staying for another two years, it seems, so maybe I'll be unpacking some of those boxes soon. Unfortunately, not until we manage to ascend the K12 of paper-work which is Renewing Your Visa. It starts by forcing you to take at least 4 hours per application on-line (the system crashes more often than...than...ANYTHING! (apologies, but after that evening I found it quite difficult finding humour in anything for a quite a while), then making sure all the documentation has been completed correctly by the company (which still managed to spell bridgjo's name 3 different ways, and put on our Australian address where we haven't lived for the past 5 years). Then it's the gentle teasing and joshing that is Organising Your Interview. Yes you can go to Montreal...oops, no you can't...how about Quebec?...no, too late, you hovered too long over the mouse...Halifax then?

So Halifax it is...known for its slogan "Halifax...It's a Blast!" (no, not really), and for being next to the Estate Agents in Baxtergate.

T has just completed a week of exams. These are for the French Government - the American's are next year. She had four days of 4 French tests, and 4 maths. I'm not quite sure she completely Got It, but I'm certainly interested in how she is progressing. So the next blog will either be very braggy, or very fibby. ("So,yes, we are thinking she should be doing the Chinese immersion this summer....").

The picture shown at the top was done courtesy of Wordle - an extremely addictive application.

Flu in thru the window

I tried out the raw food restaurant a couple of weeks ago. It was interesting in the way that it is astounding that there are so many ways to present salad. I had a, well, salad on a sesame seed biscuit (of the sort found next to the Tunnocks tea-cakes at Hanley market). It was all very tasty, but, like Chinese food, not the sort of thing I want to rush home and try. It may be healthy, but there's far too much chopping and preparation involved to offer it to the family and for them to look down and say "Oh. Salad".

Rather handily, the restaurant also does colonic irrigations (presumably in a room away from the kitchen). Surprisingly, I found the next day that this is completely unnecessary.

Bean fell in the bath again. She gave out an enormous howl of indignation (we'd left it running, and she got rather over-excited at seeing the bubbles). She then immediately sought solace in the kitty litter. Bearing in mind it is design to be super-absorbent, she came out looking as if she had been bread-crumbed.

She was spayed yesterday. She gave me a FURIOUS look when I left her. She is now wearing The Cone of Shame and pinging off the furniture. We are supposed to leave it on for 2 weeks, and I also have to give her a syringe full of medicine twice a day. What japes!

I never pass up an opportunity to make an American to feel slightly inferior, especially T's English teacher whose note home last week had to be sent back corrected. So I was trying to teach T the phrase "Dulce et decorum est pro patria amori". Unfortunately, she's convinced it's "dolce di latte for Patrick Moore"...so she's not quite ready for the Oxford entrance exams just yet.

She may also not be ready for The Art Academy. I thought it might be nice, instead of sport-y activities, to go to the local art centre and draw, paint, and basically make the sort of mess the mother of a single child can't be doing with in her own home. Except, it's rather more serious than that. Firstly, you have to commit (ie pay) to a year. And then have an interview. And THEN present your portfolio. Yes, even if you are seven. What? Really? Does the portfolio have to have a zip? Does she need to talk about light, perspective and the importance of putting the lids back on the paints afterwards? Or am I being paranoid and it just requires an ability not to poke yourself in the eye with a pencil?

We've also been tackling plurals. In Spanish, for instance, they use the word "Hobby", as in the English, but very sensibly just bung an "s" on the end. Like everything, the rules take some explanation, but I threw in the word "ox" as I was feeling particularly waggish. She looked at me very seriously and said "Mummy, when am I ever go to come across more than one ox?".

We've all had flu. It was nice and mild, but made us feel very tired indeed. As T said "I'm feeling so much better that I think I'll break the speed limit on the road to recovery".

Please send food parcels

We were talking adjectives and adjectival nouns in Spanish on Tuesday. The teacher was having to explain what "pedantic" meant, and seeing my face (confused rabbit in a Large Hadron Collider expression) said that it wasn't a word that Americans seemed to use as he was always having to explain it, although Europeans seemed to have no problems. "Ah," I said, "Maybe they are just more pedantic in England than they are in America, so we need a word for it". "And are there more pedantics do you think in England?" he asked. "No," I said from the lofty heights of my B grade at o-level, "Just pedants". Gosh, how we laughed!

I missed out on a Brit get-together on Monday, because of the snow that now seems to causing havoc elsewhere. Note that I have used the word Brit. I have only ever heard it used between ex-pats, usually in a mocking way comparing our ability to spell with the rest of the world and the fact that "flavorful" is probably not actually a word. Without exception, if you were to ask any one of them, they would admit to being born in England, and never from Britain. I'm certain it is only (English) politicians which use the expression...you can be pretty sure that the Welsh, Scots and Irish always describe themselves as such.

Last night, I made lavender biscuits on the assumption that if they didn't work out, I could always use them to lace my knicker-drawer.

Brrrr!

Right, UK. Listen up there at the back, and try and man up a bit will you?:

Minus 33 degrees C last night - it was the talk of the school coffee morning. There was some confusion about whether we were discussing the temperature in Celsius or Fahrenheit - I had to explain that, being English, minus temperatures are always discussed in Centigrade, and hot weather in Fahrenheit.

When we woke up there was ice on the inside of the windows, and a thick crust of frost around the edges of the front-door.

Not having TV (we're soooo hippy-dippy), we're never too sure of the weather, and went out last weekend to go tubing at Elm Creek. It was excellent fun, although bitterly cold. Sensible Minnesotan mothers had tucked their kids in front of improving Mandarin Chinese DVDs; we decided to fling ourselves down icy mountains in rubber dinghies. It was excellent fun though - more so as no-one else was there.

The cat fell in the bath last night. She had a bit of a swim about and didn't seem at all put out. She also likes sitting in the sink playing with the drips, so she's trying very hard to be the Turkish Van I wanted, but couldn't afford (although a quarter of the size). She seemed slightly bothered that we laughed at her so long about it, however.

New Year Cheer

Minus 16 degrees fahrenheit wind chill. Yep, we're back in Minnesota. Or still in Stoke, not quite sure yet.

We managed to return to the US without mishap. Quite boring. T wasn't even sick, and all flights were on-time and the luggage was awaiting us patiently on the carousel. Weird.

The only thing that jarred, which surely shows my age, was getting to Schipol airport, trying to get something to eat and finding that out of the 300 tables they have in the food-court, 10 were populated, and the rest were covered in food, beer, pots, pans, plates, etc. I set to work with my Wet Ones and got quite irate. Obviously, I had to send a strongly worded e-mail to Schipol Group, who just snorted and murmured to themselves, "Well, you should have seen it two weeks ago".

We had a great break in Stoke and Whitby. I have got used to the manic in-yer-face rabid friendliness of the Minnesotans, and found, in comparison, the Yorkshire people to be quite dour (this quite definately excludes close friends and relatives of course). We went to play dominoes one night, which involves changing tables each game. The first time I changed I said Hi to the oldish lady sitting here and said "I'm Rachel". To which she replied (not looking up from her spinners), "'Appen". And one evening we went to a pub in which there were 3 people, and the bar-maid served us WITHOUT ASKING US OUR FAMILY HISTORY!!!

But at least we were offered a lift by someone (unfortunately 2 foot from the house) when the weather changed suddenly to a snow-storm and we had to abandon the car at The Stiddy (pub, naturally) and walk two hours back to Sleights. Luckily we were in our Minnesotan clothes ("T! Just put two pairs of snow-pants on will you?") and we managed just fine.

We were very put out that we couldn't get a kipper breakfast at Botham's - each time we went, the last pair had just been sold, and even on the day we ordered in advance, they couldn't get the van through. A sad day, indeed.

We picked Bean up the day after we came back. I was hoping that two weeks at the Cat Nap Inn would act as a finishing school for her, as up until then she had been quite vicious. And, yes, it seems to have worked. Nancy told her she was a delight and that she had fallen in love with the resident cat, Ziggy, so much that they spent the entire 2 weeks together fighting and sleeping together.

Nancy has fallen in love with Bean so much, in fact, that she had a going-away Catnip Party for her. When we arrived, all the other cats were lying around, wearily raising their heads, as if still completely stoned. Since she's been back, she hasn't leapt, biting, at my face once (progress) and seems much better behaved. She needed a massive Main Coon to sit on her head a couple of times and give her what-for. One down-side was that she suddenly decided she didn't want the 38 tins of kitten food we had supplied, and instead quite happily hoe'd into everybody else's Tuna and Shrimp (with Gravy). So today I had to go back and exchange it all. Fussy little madam.